Mulen är borta och livet är hopplöst.
Så här sitter jag, på golvet i mitt lilla rum. Jag orkar inget mer. Chrissie och Dano har inte städat något i hela huset än och det måste vara klart ikväll. På toppen av allt så har Chrissie matförgiftning så hon får inte mycket gjort. Själv måste jag ta en rast efter att jag har skurat och damsugat och burit så mycket saker. Det är lister, dörrar, fönster, skåp, kylskåp osv osv i all oändlighet! Och av oss fem som bor här är det bara JAG och Marcus som gör något! Jag tror jag bryter ihop! Hela veckan har jag hållt på, och de har bara börjat packa DERAS saker idag!
Sedan har jag gråtit två kvällar i streck, speciellt igår. Mulen är borta! Min Mulen som är en del av mig och mitt liv, som jag älskar mer än något jag någonsin ägt. Att all är 'replacable' är inte sant. Jag var så chockad och ledsen igår att Marcus fick trösta mig och idag är mina ögon alldeles svällda. Jag kan inte hitta honom och jag vet inte om han blivit nedpackad mitt i allt stress i någon låda eller om han är bortkastad? Åh, vad ska jag göra utan honom.
Dessutom sitter jag och grämer mig att jag skulle kunna behållt huset i mitt namn! Jag kunde ha tagit över, låtit nya människor flytta in och begärt mer i hyra så jag kunde bott nästan gratis! Men hur dum var jag??????? Inte en tanke hade jag på det. Matilda undrade varför vi flyttar om vi inte vill, men det är Chrissie och Dano som ville flytta, ingen annan och de är på kontraktet. Så vi andra har inget val.
Så är mitt liv idag. Jag HATAR det nya stället där jag och Chrissie ska bo också! Det är såååå långt borta! Jättelångt! Det går bara en buss förbi där och det finns inga affärer. Jag vet att det bara handlar om kanske två månader men jag vill inte vara där alls. Tur att Chrissie är där och de som vi ska bo med, mina vänner Luke och Ness är underbara! Det är inget fel på själva huset men jag hatar området!
Jag pratade med Amy förut. Vad jag saknar henne! Hon sa att hennes f.d kompis (som är en hemsk tjej) har gift sig och nu är med barn och såååå lycklig. Sedan Michelle som bott här, hon är en snål idiot och hon yrade igår om hur käääääääär och lycklig hon är! Varför får alla bichiga tjejer underbara killar och lyckliga liv? Vi som bryr om oss andra och som är snälla får ingenting. Vad tjänar det till på att vara snäll? Jag ville inte ha en kille förut, jag behövde ingen, men nu vill jag verkligen det. Jag är less på att vara ensam. Jag är less på singel livet. Men jag tänker inte nöja mig med vem som helst, jag vill bli riktigt kär.
Tyvärr är det som jag är riktigt kär i inte alls kär i mig. Så är mitt liv. Och nu spelar han min favoritlåt som påminner mig om honom också till råga på allt! Åhhhh.
Jenny, Fanny och Kicki kommer imorgon. Och jag vill göra allt för att de ska ha en rolig helg. Hoppas de får mig på lite gladare tankar, men just nu känns det som det blir svårt att hålla humöret uppe.
Det är ännu ett nytt kapitel i Anna-Cecilia Olssons liv som börjar imorgon. Men jag vill inte mer. Jag orkar inte. Varför brukar jag tro på att allt som händer har en mening? Jag kan inte se den minsta lilla mening med vad som händer just nu i mitt liv. Ingen ljuspunkt och inget hopp.
Måste gå ner och städa. Fast det gör så ont i mitt hjärta så måste jag, och jag måste lägga på det där leendet och styrkan som alla tror att jag har. Jag vill kunna lägga mig och sova och drömma bra drömmar och när jag vaknar vill jag att det ska vara om ett år och kanske, kanske livet vore lite ljusare då? Nej, önskedrömmar. Tillbaka till skurtrasor och verkligeheten.
Sedan har jag gråtit två kvällar i streck, speciellt igår. Mulen är borta! Min Mulen som är en del av mig och mitt liv, som jag älskar mer än något jag någonsin ägt. Att all är 'replacable' är inte sant. Jag var så chockad och ledsen igår att Marcus fick trösta mig och idag är mina ögon alldeles svällda. Jag kan inte hitta honom och jag vet inte om han blivit nedpackad mitt i allt stress i någon låda eller om han är bortkastad? Åh, vad ska jag göra utan honom.
Dessutom sitter jag och grämer mig att jag skulle kunna behållt huset i mitt namn! Jag kunde ha tagit över, låtit nya människor flytta in och begärt mer i hyra så jag kunde bott nästan gratis! Men hur dum var jag??????? Inte en tanke hade jag på det. Matilda undrade varför vi flyttar om vi inte vill, men det är Chrissie och Dano som ville flytta, ingen annan och de är på kontraktet. Så vi andra har inget val.
Så är mitt liv idag. Jag HATAR det nya stället där jag och Chrissie ska bo också! Det är såååå långt borta! Jättelångt! Det går bara en buss förbi där och det finns inga affärer. Jag vet att det bara handlar om kanske två månader men jag vill inte vara där alls. Tur att Chrissie är där och de som vi ska bo med, mina vänner Luke och Ness är underbara! Det är inget fel på själva huset men jag hatar området!
Jag pratade med Amy förut. Vad jag saknar henne! Hon sa att hennes f.d kompis (som är en hemsk tjej) har gift sig och nu är med barn och såååå lycklig. Sedan Michelle som bott här, hon är en snål idiot och hon yrade igår om hur käääääääär och lycklig hon är! Varför får alla bichiga tjejer underbara killar och lyckliga liv? Vi som bryr om oss andra och som är snälla får ingenting. Vad tjänar det till på att vara snäll? Jag ville inte ha en kille förut, jag behövde ingen, men nu vill jag verkligen det. Jag är less på att vara ensam. Jag är less på singel livet. Men jag tänker inte nöja mig med vem som helst, jag vill bli riktigt kär.
Tyvärr är det som jag är riktigt kär i inte alls kär i mig. Så är mitt liv. Och nu spelar han min favoritlåt som påminner mig om honom också till råga på allt! Åhhhh.
Jenny, Fanny och Kicki kommer imorgon. Och jag vill göra allt för att de ska ha en rolig helg. Hoppas de får mig på lite gladare tankar, men just nu känns det som det blir svårt att hålla humöret uppe.
Det är ännu ett nytt kapitel i Anna-Cecilia Olssons liv som börjar imorgon. Men jag vill inte mer. Jag orkar inte. Varför brukar jag tro på att allt som händer har en mening? Jag kan inte se den minsta lilla mening med vad som händer just nu i mitt liv. Ingen ljuspunkt och inget hopp.
Måste gå ner och städa. Fast det gör så ont i mitt hjärta så måste jag, och jag måste lägga på det där leendet och styrkan som alla tror att jag har. Jag vill kunna lägga mig och sova och drömma bra drömmar och när jag vaknar vill jag att det ska vara om ett år och kanske, kanske livet vore lite ljusare då? Nej, önskedrömmar. Tillbaka till skurtrasor och verkligeheten.
Packing up
Only two days to go... woke up with a migraine today again. I am packing up my belongings and I'm really upset about it. I packed the entire day yesterday and I can't even see any change in my room! WHY do I have so much STUFF????? It's driving me crazy!! Last night me, Dano and Marcus went to our local pub and it was so sunny, warm and nice. Luckily I've got nice friends I'm going to stay with so at least that will be fun. Strange, I haven't even seen the place where I will be living yet!
We have had such fun in the house the last few nights, laughing and carrying on. But that's another part of my life that I now have to move on from. Why is my life always like this? I can never settle anywhere. My life is like divided in different parts, it's never flowing and it's never the same. But then again, that's usually how I like my life to be. I don't cope well with routines for too long. That's why my job is so perfect for me. Saying that though, I wish I could stay in this house, my housemates have become like my family, I love them so much.
Anyway, gotta go and pack and stop being lazy.
Capetown - a little piece of heaven
What a wonderful city! I have never seen anything so beautiful ever through my travels before! We hired a car and drove along the amazing, dramatic coastlines where the huge choppy mountains sorrounded the gorgeous white beaches! I also saw some wonderful penguins and funny baboons! There was great food and everything is so cheap! I also got a few hours by the pool! I've only been away for five days, but it feels like I've had a much needed holiday!
This is one of the cute little penguins I met by the sea!
When I was on my way to Capetown, somewhere above Africa and far above the clouds, I stopped working and looked out for a split second. The sun was slowly rising above the clouds and that light is one of the most beautiful I know! It often amazes me when I fly. The clouds were a mixture of thick grey and white, and the sunrise was a strong, beautiful mixture of orange, yellow and pink. I saw the sun rise behind the enormous wing of our jumbo. And it just came to me, that saying that is on my mum's wall in the kitchen, the picture my grandma made years and years ago. 'Fast än stormen viner, bakom molnen solen skiner'. And it's so true. Right now, my life is quite depressing and full of problems that I have to fight through and sometimes it feels like I just want to give up. But behind those stormy weathers there is always the sun, shining. To me, that gives hope of a more perfect and happier day. I just have to hope that the day it's not too far away.
I've just got back home and have been flying all night so Im going to sleep now before I start packing for our move on thursday. I am so sad I have to move out of my beautiful, comfy house. I feel so lost. But at least there are still some things that brings life worth living in my otherwise very troubled life. I have lovely friends, like Ness and Luke who are going to let me and Chrissie stay with them for a few weeks, and there are people like Andy who said he could help me move. There are also people like Leighton who said he will let me store some things in his garage and there are people like my friend Amy and Ange who support me through everything I do. There is also my job, who just took me to Capetown and let me relax and enjoy life for what felt like the first time in a loooooong time!
This is just one of the amazing views I experienced down in what looks like a piece of 'heaven', Capetown.
This is one of the cute little penguins I met by the sea!
When I was on my way to Capetown, somewhere above Africa and far above the clouds, I stopped working and looked out for a split second. The sun was slowly rising above the clouds and that light is one of the most beautiful I know! It often amazes me when I fly. The clouds were a mixture of thick grey and white, and the sunrise was a strong, beautiful mixture of orange, yellow and pink. I saw the sun rise behind the enormous wing of our jumbo. And it just came to me, that saying that is on my mum's wall in the kitchen, the picture my grandma made years and years ago. 'Fast än stormen viner, bakom molnen solen skiner'. And it's so true. Right now, my life is quite depressing and full of problems that I have to fight through and sometimes it feels like I just want to give up. But behind those stormy weathers there is always the sun, shining. To me, that gives hope of a more perfect and happier day. I just have to hope that the day it's not too far away.
I've just got back home and have been flying all night so Im going to sleep now before I start packing for our move on thursday. I am so sad I have to move out of my beautiful, comfy house. I feel so lost. But at least there are still some things that brings life worth living in my otherwise very troubled life. I have lovely friends, like Ness and Luke who are going to let me and Chrissie stay with them for a few weeks, and there are people like Andy who said he could help me move. There are also people like Leighton who said he will let me store some things in his garage and there are people like my friend Amy and Ange who support me through everything I do. There is also my job, who just took me to Capetown and let me relax and enjoy life for what felt like the first time in a loooooong time!
This is just one of the amazing views I experienced down in what looks like a piece of 'heaven', Capetown.
Crabtree pubnight
Just thought I'd put in a couple of photos from the Crabtree last night when we were there for Marcus birthday.
It's me, Marcus (doing a silly face), Chrissie and Karla
It's me, Marcus (doing a silly face), Chrissie and Karla
Weekend in Newark
I got called from standby on my last day! I was just about to go to the gym when the bleeper beeped and I got soooo nervous! Where was I going? Nairobi? Hong Kong? Bangkok and Syndey? Peking? Cairo? Cape town? I could go anywhere in the world, but I went to Newark! Newark is very close to New york so I could take a train there but instead I'm going to the mall around here. And I'm already dreaming about the Abercrombie store, as you can see on the top up here.... he he. Shopping...yummy.
Oh, we didn't get the house we wanted so all my small hopes that had finally built up came crashing down on me agian. And I just have no more energy. I am homeless in a week and a half and I don't even care. Whatever, I just live on the street. I don't want to move in with strangers yet another time!!!! Why is life so unfair?
Gossip? Well, went to the bar last night and chatted to all the crew, we had a great time. One of them was a very attractive, straight guy whom I got along with very well. We chatted for hours and it was only us left. And then.... he started the sob story about how he didn't love his girlfriend and the next thing I knew he is trying to kiss me and make me come in to his room and basically have sex! Nooooooo way! Who does he think I am? Today I woke up and had a note under my door, saying if I wanted to come and 'play' later before we fly back to London I'm welcome to his room! Oooooohhhhh god, these men! This is the second trip in a row I've had a cheeky note from two guys, both called Nick! What is it? That I'm blonde? Swedish? Youngish? Single? Why do they always think they can have their way with me?
Never mind, I'm off shopping! NOT in to Nicks room! Ha ha ha.
Standby
I'm on standby. At work, in our crewhotel. And come to think of standby, my whole life seem to be on standby. I'm just waiting for something to happen to lead me on the right path. As it is today I am too exhausted to do it myself. I can't deal with being strong and positive anymore and for example look for a new place to live. I just have to go with the flow.
I have been out drinking myself silly with Leighton (last night) and tonight just watched a dvd and had stirfry and been to the gym. Not too bad I suppose, I like relaxing. But at the same time I get bored.
Thank god I have got my lovely family and friends. Amy rang tonight and then my lovely mum. They are both so supportive but not to blame them; they get frustrated with me!
I have been out drinking myself silly with Leighton (last night) and tonight just watched a dvd and had stirfry and been to the gym. Not too bad I suppose, I like relaxing. But at the same time I get bored.
Thank god I have got my lovely family and friends. Amy rang tonight and then my lovely mum. They are both so supportive but not to blame them; they get frustrated with me!
There is always a day worse then the other!
Well, there I was yesterday thinking that my life was pretty bad. I had to say goodbye to mum and everyone at home and I had one of the worst migraines I have ever had, and I had already had it for the past two days. It was killing me, so much I didn't know how to make it home. But I did.
I had a rest, took a propler strong imigran and Marcus came in and rubbed my sore head, it got better.
And today everything has just fallen apart. I thought yesterday was bad. But today is much worse. I can't write here all what's happened to me today but it has to do with my ex, another thing and also it is about moving house. I started looking today but have already given up! I have two weeks to move and there is no chanse of me finding anything I can afford. I mean, who can afford £200 a week in rent? (2600 kronor i veckan!!) I refuse to move back to Hounslow. And I don't have that energy to look again, it feels like yesterday I moved. And moving brings emotional pain as well, I takes me a lot to move from people and problems and build yet another new life.
Ah well, gotta go... Leighton and Amy both have problems too, so at least we are not alone in the world going through hard things....
I had a rest, took a propler strong imigran and Marcus came in and rubbed my sore head, it got better.
And today everything has just fallen apart. I thought yesterday was bad. But today is much worse. I can't write here all what's happened to me today but it has to do with my ex, another thing and also it is about moving house. I started looking today but have already given up! I have two weeks to move and there is no chanse of me finding anything I can afford. I mean, who can afford £200 a week in rent? (2600 kronor i veckan!!) I refuse to move back to Hounslow. And I don't have that energy to look again, it feels like yesterday I moved. And moving brings emotional pain as well, I takes me a lot to move from people and problems and build yet another new life.
Ah well, gotta go... Leighton and Amy both have problems too, so at least we are not alone in the world going through hard things....
Family
Another day in sweden has gone by and I have enjoyed every minute of it! I was going to go home to London this weekend for a big party but I enjoy being home so much there is no way I'm going!
Went to see my sister, Sebbe and friend Nina for lunch, Then went with dad to help grandma (farmor) with putting easter lillies on grandads grave, shopping and went for burgers...yummy!
Then off to church tonight. There were only our family in the church, it was like a family party, it was great! :) We chatted and the ceremony was so beautiful and actually very moving. It reminded me what easter is all about! Then home to grandma (mormor) for sanwich cakes and coffe, and as usual the entire house were filled with aunties, uncles and cousins, all having a good time! I did the washing up with Jenny at the end and we were giggling so much I was in such a great mood going home. At home me, mum and Lars-Evert had some beers, wine, cheese and biscuits and a long chat.
Today has made me think that I'm not sure I can ever live here again, as it is sooooo bloody freezing cold that it makes my body hurts, I actually feel quite sick because I'm not use to this kind of cold anymore, but how GREAT it is being around family and people you know and love. You get so many hugs, so many laughter and so many great memories in just one day and night. I love it here.
Shame Sebbe is sick and I don't get to see him much, I felt so sorry for him today lying there in his pram looking sad, but then he cheered up again! :) Lilla gosgubben! Also shame my sis seems a bit annoyed with me for some reason, but I know I have the tendency to annoy her with my loud self. I'm not as calm and serious as she can be. Ah well, I love her even tho she told me to go back to England (I was moaning about the cold)... ;)
Below are a couple of photos from today! My gorgeous Sebbe (the most beutiful little man on earth) and me, my auntie Malin and cousin Emma.
Went to see my sister, Sebbe and friend Nina for lunch, Then went with dad to help grandma (farmor) with putting easter lillies on grandads grave, shopping and went for burgers...yummy!
Then off to church tonight. There were only our family in the church, it was like a family party, it was great! :) We chatted and the ceremony was so beautiful and actually very moving. It reminded me what easter is all about! Then home to grandma (mormor) for sanwich cakes and coffe, and as usual the entire house were filled with aunties, uncles and cousins, all having a good time! I did the washing up with Jenny at the end and we were giggling so much I was in such a great mood going home. At home me, mum and Lars-Evert had some beers, wine, cheese and biscuits and a long chat.
Today has made me think that I'm not sure I can ever live here again, as it is sooooo bloody freezing cold that it makes my body hurts, I actually feel quite sick because I'm not use to this kind of cold anymore, but how GREAT it is being around family and people you know and love. You get so many hugs, so many laughter and so many great memories in just one day and night. I love it here.
Shame Sebbe is sick and I don't get to see him much, I felt so sorry for him today lying there in his pram looking sad, but then he cheered up again! :) Lilla gosgubben! Also shame my sis seems a bit annoyed with me for some reason, but I know I have the tendency to annoy her with my loud self. I'm not as calm and serious as she can be. Ah well, I love her even tho she told me to go back to England (I was moaning about the cold)... ;)
Below are a couple of photos from today! My gorgeous Sebbe (the most beutiful little man on earth) and me, my auntie Malin and cousin Emma.
My life aint no prawn sandwich!
Just back from spending the night with Malin, my lovely auntie! She is like a sister and the best friend, and I felt I had really missed her a lot since I last got a chanse to see her. We had food in a great pub and then went to another pub for more wine and hours of chat and laughter! This is what life is about, family and friends. And Malin- she is combined, the best of both! ;)
I went to see my grandma (mormor) today and while I was there Malin came in, Glenn, and my cousins Amanda and Evelina. We sat there, all different ages and chatted about boys problems etc. Amanda really likes this guy in school and he stood her up today because of a test in school. It starts already, poor her.
I am 33 now and I am still going through the same kind of problems. I am in love with this guy (no names) and I know I am being stupid and all that, that I shouldn't be, but hey, who can help your feelings? No matter what age you are?! Very frustrating. I look at him and my heart melts, its been ages since I felt this way. But life is hard, and it sucks, but I'm sure some day it will work out anyway. And I will get over him too. I guess life is a big lesson.
Malin said tonight something funny. She said some people go through life like 'sliding on a prawn sandwich'! That might sound strange but I think it's so true. I might not have the perfect life, but I have been through a lot of things in life, while some people just slide on that sandwich not ever having to go through any hard desisions or any heartaches and these people don't really know what life is about. Everything has been served on a plate for them, all their lives. But hey, then maybe these people are not tough enough to go through a heartbreak? So maybe they get away with it all because they wouldn't be able to cope?
That was all a bit deep, but then again I had a few wines...
Nite nite xx
I went to see my grandma (mormor) today and while I was there Malin came in, Glenn, and my cousins Amanda and Evelina. We sat there, all different ages and chatted about boys problems etc. Amanda really likes this guy in school and he stood her up today because of a test in school. It starts already, poor her.
I am 33 now and I am still going through the same kind of problems. I am in love with this guy (no names) and I know I am being stupid and all that, that I shouldn't be, but hey, who can help your feelings? No matter what age you are?! Very frustrating. I look at him and my heart melts, its been ages since I felt this way. But life is hard, and it sucks, but I'm sure some day it will work out anyway. And I will get over him too. I guess life is a big lesson.
Malin said tonight something funny. She said some people go through life like 'sliding on a prawn sandwich'! That might sound strange but I think it's so true. I might not have the perfect life, but I have been through a lot of things in life, while some people just slide on that sandwich not ever having to go through any hard desisions or any heartaches and these people don't really know what life is about. Everything has been served on a plate for them, all their lives. But hey, then maybe these people are not tough enough to go through a heartbreak? So maybe they get away with it all because they wouldn't be able to cope?
That was all a bit deep, but then again I had a few wines...
Nite nite xx
Sundsvall...
I'm sitting in my mum's clean and homely kitchen, I just got here tonight. My dad picked me up from the airport in his new leather jacket and nice new shoes and then we went to Matildas place for 'fika' (coffe and cakes) and I got to kiss and cuddle my most favourite man in the entire world, my nephew Sebastian! My mum had cut his hair and he could almost walk now and he is GORGEOUS!! I love him so much it hurts!
This is beautiful Sebastian!
I am getting a bit worked up tonight about moving house. HOW will I ever find anything good again and cheap???? I love Hammersmith and it will be hard to find anything that will be good enough for me.
Never mind, Im going to bed now. Just chatting on msn to Stephen, my lovely gay friend from BA! We are talking about sex so gotta go and concentrate on the conversation... he he.
Hungover
What a funny night! Lying here on the couch feeling like shit (excuse my language but it's true) and thinking back to last night. Went to see my old friend Emil who is also and ex 'fling'. He had a huge group of friends there in the Elk bar, as he is going home to South Africa for a few months. I kept asking me to come so I went and had a great night with too many drinks, but the things is I didn't know he had a new girlfriend and she was so jelaous! She hated me and he kept talking to me which didn't help... Then basically all his friends were trying it on with me and HE then got jelaous of THEM! Ha ha. Anyway I had fun, then when I was on my way home he texted me saying he has still got feelings for me! Weird.
Then I went home and spoke to Karla for hours until I almost had sobered up and my throat was sore from all the talking. This morning I got woken up way too early by a drunk Marcus and Dano, trying to book us tickets for Glastonbury festival, but we couldnt get any!!!!! Such a shame!
I am going home to sweden tomorrow. Can't wait to see my family. The only annoying thing is that it will be hard getting back to London next weekend as there are no flights or buses going to Stockholm from Sundsvall... hm... And train is so expensive it sux!
Anyway, enough writing. Will see if I can drag myself off the couch and have publunch with Andy.
xx
Then I went home and spoke to Karla for hours until I almost had sobered up and my throat was sore from all the talking. This morning I got woken up way too early by a drunk Marcus and Dano, trying to book us tickets for Glastonbury festival, but we couldnt get any!!!!! Such a shame!
I am going home to sweden tomorrow. Can't wait to see my family. The only annoying thing is that it will be hard getting back to London next weekend as there are no flights or buses going to Stockholm from Sundsvall... hm... And train is so expensive it sux!
Anyway, enough writing. Will see if I can drag myself off the couch and have publunch with Andy.
xx
